The Solution
There are some things you can do to move through a conflict in a productive way, rather than letting it become time consuming, emotional, expensive and frustrating.
Solve Problems Early
Don't "save up" grievances until a status report or performance review. Resolve them at the earliest possible opportunity. People are more receptive to input on recent events (rather than ancient history) and by resolving it now, it has less time to grow into a larger issue. It also keeps you up fewer nights.
Our memories also have a way of magnifying things- making them better or worse than they seemed at the time.
Decide What’s Important
First of all, ensure that the conflict is something worth spending your energy on. Conflict can be an exhausting process, even when it ends well. Don’t waste your energy on anything that isn’t worth it to you.
Questions you can ask yourself:
- Who else cares about this problem besides me? Why?
- Will I care about this issue in three months? (six months?)
- Is the issue a single item or a component of a trend?
- Is there a legal issue involved? If so, how severe?
- Is there an ethical principle involved? If so, how severe?
- Can you quantify the impact (in dollars, hours, number of people involved, or some other objective unit of measure?)
You may decide that an issue is merely irritating, but not worth a confrontation or negotiation. Don't back down on anything that is important to you, by any objective criteria. But don't make a conflict out of a trivial item.
Isolate the Contention Points
People tend to paint things with a broad brush, especially when they're annoyed. "That project has caused nothing but trouble." Or "I can't stand dealing with that department" or "Everything that person does is abrasive."
Narrow down the contention and put a fence around it. Don’t use words like "always" and "never." Discuss only the specific issue, incident or problem that you want resolved now.
Objectives, not Positions
This is the "seek first to understand, then to be understood" concept, as Steven Covey uses it in his "Highly Effective" books. Rather than assuming you're on opposite sides, or positions, on a single issue, make sure you correctly understand the other person's objectives. There is almost always a way that you can get what you need without damaging your opponent.
Use a Two-Stage Approach
This approach can be used for two people, or two parties, with varying degrees of complexity. In either case, you may want to engage a neutral third party, or facilitator, to ensure that all sides are represented fairly and have an "even shake." Agree on the choice of facilitator or arbitrator before proceeding.
First- Solution Brainstorming
Suggest that you spend a limited amount of time (10 minutes to an hour, depending on the complexity or importance of the problem) brainstorming solutions that would work for both of you. Agree that no solution will be adopted or considered a "done deal" until it's been cleaned up and agreed to by both sides. That way neither party feels that solutions need to be watertight before submitting them. Brainstorm on a whiteboard or sheet of paper. Do not edit or even comment on the solutions- this could have a chilling effect on the creativity of solutions offered.
Second- Negotiation
Now take the best solution , or a combination of them, work out the details, and shake hands. Remember that your credibility is on the line to keep your end of the bargain, especially in a sensitive situation like a conflict negotiation.
Physical/Logistical Considerations
These items may seem trivial, especially in an American business environment. Many other cultures recognize the often subconscious effect that the physical arrangements have on the outcome of a conflict resolution session.
- Make sure that the room is arranged such that no one's chair is at the head of a table (except possibly the facilitator's or arbitrator's.)
- Don’t sit or stand in front of the door, psychologically barring exit.
- Dress conservatively. Don't wear wild or loud colors, especially in the red or orange family.
- Use a low, moderate tone of voice. Few people know what they really sound like. You may want to use a tape recorder or have a coach help you with modulating your voice to an unabrasive tone.
- Make sure the room is comfortable- not too warm, cold, noisy, or drafty. Such irritants can add to the sensitivity of the participants or cause them to cut the session shorter than it needs to be.
- It is best if both parties sit together, facing the "problem," in the form of a whiteboard, flip chart, or sheet of paper. This helps "objectify" the problem and separate it from the participants.
Conclusion
Avoiding conflict is not possible, or even desirable. The diversity of opinions and experiences you bring to the table have their place, as do everyone else's. The key is to ensuring that opinions, even strong ones, have the opportunity to get heard in an environment where they can be useful rather than damaging to relationships. Try some of these techniques. You may want to try them in your personal life as well, with simple problems at first until you gain confidence that they will bring you the results that you want. Then employ them in more complex or heated situations. You'll come out of the conflict with better results every time.
